Post by Sally on Feb 23, 2017 18:12:30 GMT -5
Hi! I've been emetophobic for as long as I remember, but it never really bothered me much until September 2015 when my ex boyfriend caught the Norovirus and was violently ill in the middle of the night. The sound of v* retraumatized me and from that night on, my life changed forever. For the next few months after the event, I had lost 50 pounds from not eating. I never felt good. I thought I was always on the brink of vomiting. My stomach, bowel movements and appetite were all messed up from anxiety. My sleeping patterns were messed up also, and I haven't slept without a light on since this took place. I was bed ridden from September until around February 2016, when I forced myself to get up and start living life again. I started going out with friends, and was actually feeling pretty good! I was able to distinguish my anxious feelings and know that I wasn't really sick or going to be sick. At the end of February, I got caught up with a guy from high school and ended up getting pregnant. I had an abortion (I apologize if that offends anyone, not my intention) and although I was terrified, I did not get sick from it. It was not an easy thing to go through, but I got through it. I was still going out with friends and enjoying myself. I was never home! I loved being out, traveling far, and just being arond people. My emetophobia still sent me into panic attacks nearly everyday and controlled most of my decisions (what to eat, etc.) but I was not home bound nor bed ridden. I liked going out and being with friends because it took my mind off of the panic. In June 2016, I met my current boyfriend. He's great and has been very understanding with my anxiety/panic attacks. Everything was great, we would go out to eat all the time, go shopping, go on walks, etc. Until September 2016, we were in a shopping mall about 30 minutes from home and I suddenly got deathly n* in the middle of the mall - more n* than I've been in years. I was holding back dry heaves as I ran through the mall to the nearest exit, bumping into people on the way there, unable to speak. My boyfriend and I got into the car, I popped a Zofran and a piece of gum and just prayed. I ended up driving us back home trying to ignore the fact that I felt like v* at any second. Weirdly, it ended up subsiding after I dropped him off at home and was by myself. I hadn't felt that ill or panicked that bad in a long time. Since then, I am now afraid of doing anything. I cannot go to shopping malls, to the store, or even simply be in the presence of other people without getting deathly n* and on the brink of dry heaving. I have been forcing myself to go to my mother's house and my boyfriend's house for short periods of time, but the visits are always cut short because of my sudden overwhelming n* and near dry heaves. I'm afraid of going to malls because I do not want to be trapped in the middle of the mall if I have to v* or become n* and have to make a run for it like I did in September (I REFUSE to go to the bathroom to v*. It must be outside or in a trash can alone, in my room.) I am afraid of driving in a car with someone in fear of v*ing in front of them because there is no way to be alone if we are in a car together. I am afraid of simply being in someone's presence because if I suddenly get n*, it is very embarrasing having to run away from them in panic. When I'm faced with any of those situations, or any social situation in general it seems, I think about becoming n* so vividly that I bring on severe, real n* to the point of almost dry heaving. I try to fight off the thoughts, but they are far too strong, because I am too terrified. I have to escape the situation in order for the n* to go away. I have never stood in the situation to find out what would happen if I didn't escape, but I'm almost positive v* would happen. I'm at wit's end. I don't know what to do. I cannot do anything social without almost v*ing, which is my absolute worst nightmare. I don't know if they are panic attacks or just my mind playing tricks on me, but when the n* happens, a panic attack ensues. I can feel the n* building as I think about it more and more, and the more I try to fight the thought off, the stronger the n* becomes. Is it possible to v* just from thinking about being n*? Is it possible to v* from this type of anxiety? Please, words of wisdom would help. I cannot do anything anymore. I have missed Christmas parties, and even my sister's wedding due to this. I am terrified that this anxiety and overthinking about n* will make me v*. Thank you for reading!